Dating an opposite
If a lot of men grow up learning not to love their true selves, learning that their own healthy attachment needs (emotional safety, nurturance, connection, love, trust) are weak and wrong – that anyone’s attachment, or emotional safety, needs are weak and wrong – this can lead to two things. They may be less able to experience women as whole people with intelligible needs and feelings (for autonomy, for emotional safety, for attunement, for trust). They may be less able to make sense of their own needs for connection, transmuting them instead into distorted but more socially mirrored forms.
To heal rape culture, then, men build masculine nurturance skills: nurturance and recuperation of their true selves, and nurturance of the people of all genders around them.
Women often believe the opposite sex can be “just friends” until a relationship goes sour, at which point they look back and ponder what went wrong.
A Lesson Learned I learned the “just friends” lesson the hard way.
Compatibility is about more than common interests and hobbies.
In addition to his books, he has had many articles and short stories published in major publications. You are not going to get any new insights on the subject in this little book.
The opposite of masculine rape culture is masculine nurturance culture: men* increasing their capacity to nurture, and becoming whole. I am struggling to see the full shape emerging in the pencil rubbing, when only parts are visible at a time.
The Ghomeshi trial is back in the news, and it brings violent sexual assault back into people’s minds and daily conversations. A meme going around says ‘Rape is about violence, not sex.
This knowledge shapes everything: assumptions about the significance of needs, how one ought to respond to them, what closeness feels like, how to love your own soul, and what kind of nurturance is actually meant to happen in intimate space.
Meanwhile, the men I know who are kind, goodhearted people, but who are earlier on in growing into their own models for self-love and learning how to comfort and nurture others, have no men to ask.